Mantra

So I have something I don't discuss with too many people. I had an eating disorder in college and disordered eating for a couple years after, and then started to relapse when God pointed out that I had a problem.

It was God that pointed it out, because a hallmark of being a little off mentally is that you don't know you even have a problem. It may be obvious to everyone else, others may point out to you that you seem a little off here, but until you have an ah-hah! moment, you either have no idea or think everyone's overreacting.

So my ah-hah! moment came when I was meeting with a book club. I got to the restaurant before everyone else, there was an accident behind me on the freeway. So I had like half an hour sitting outside the place waiting. And what was I doing? I was sitting there trying to figure out what I was going to say so that I wouldn't have to eat dinner.

I had a bunch of excuses and reasons, I was just trying to pick the best one. And then the thought popped up "That's messed up." Actually, the phrase was effed up, but whatevs.

And then I realized that I had eaten breakfast at most every day for the past two weeks. And that I had been going home for lunch so that co-workers wouldn't invite me to eat, and no one would know. And then I realized, hey, I might have a problem.

So that was like 2 years ago. No one tells you how boring and hard it is to get better. It's boring and hard. But it's worth it.

Last week I was running around town during the day, running errands, etc. I was going to have dinner with a friend around 7 that evening. And around 2 I got hungry for lunch. And then The Coach came back out of nowhere, telling me the lies he used to tell me all the time- there's no time for lunch, if you ignore the hunger it goes away, you're eating later today, save room for that food, etc., the whole spiel my disease perfected over time.

And I was starting to listen to the soothing patter. And then I thought "Don't be effed up! Eat!" So that's my new mantra. Simple, it works, and would look lovely on a t-shirt.

Someday I won't have a mouth like a sailor/construction worker/marine, and then I'll come up with lovely mantras that involve love and unicorns. Until then, I have to do what works.