Mantra

So I have something I don't discuss with too many people. I had an eating disorder in college and disordered eating for a couple years after, and then started to relapse when God pointed out that I had a problem.

It was God that pointed it out, because a hallmark of being a little off mentally is that you don't know you even have a problem. It may be obvious to everyone else, others may point out to you that you seem a little off here, but until you have an ah-hah! moment, you either have no idea or think everyone's overreacting.

So my ah-hah! moment came when I was meeting with a book club. I got to the restaurant before everyone else, there was an accident behind me on the freeway. So I had like half an hour sitting outside the place waiting. And what was I doing? I was sitting there trying to figure out what I was going to say so that I wouldn't have to eat dinner.

I had a bunch of excuses and reasons, I was just trying to pick the best one. And then the thought popped up "That's messed up." Actually, the phrase was effed up, but whatevs.

And then I realized that I had eaten breakfast at most every day for the past two weeks. And that I had been going home for lunch so that co-workers wouldn't invite me to eat, and no one would know. And then I realized, hey, I might have a problem.

So that was like 2 years ago. No one tells you how boring and hard it is to get better. It's boring and hard. But it's worth it.

Last week I was running around town during the day, running errands, etc. I was going to have dinner with a friend around 7 that evening. And around 2 I got hungry for lunch. And then The Coach came back out of nowhere, telling me the lies he used to tell me all the time- there's no time for lunch, if you ignore the hunger it goes away, you're eating later today, save room for that food, etc., the whole spiel my disease perfected over time.

And I was starting to listen to the soothing patter. And then I thought "Don't be effed up! Eat!" So that's my new mantra. Simple, it works, and would look lovely on a t-shirt.

Someday I won't have a mouth like a sailor/construction worker/marine, and then I'll come up with lovely mantras that involve love and unicorns. Until then, I have to do what works.

Doing Pain Well

I have some Christian friends who are going through Some Stuff. Among them, I have a friend going through a divorce, one has become a caregiver for a parent, and many others going through huge, painful life changes.

Something that makes me sad is how many of them feel like they should be handling it better. Like if they were a better Christian, they wouldn't be down about the divorce/caregiving/life change. They would be completely patient, kind, buddha/zen, unruffled, fully at peace.

That is a complete load of crap.

We are told that when there are troubles, we will be comforted, and we will not be alone. The Bible doesn't say that we are above emotion, or sadness, or anger. Someday we will be, but not in this life. Our overall demeanor is hopefully one of peace, but that doesn't mean we're peaceful as Christians all the time.

Anyway, what I tell people is this: It's ok to be sad, upset, angry (see Psalms, especially 22 and 119). Don't let it run your life. I would be freaked out if you went through a divorce and it wasn't bothering you. Some life events are painful, and to try to grit your teeth and smile your way through them is a lie, and I firmly believe it can kill you.

A quote I read somewhere says "And living as though unscathed is exhausting, like a play that never ends." It's ok to be affected by what's going on in your life. Keep your relationship with God as a top priority, ask for help when you think you don't need it, and let those around you help share your burden.

To me, an authentic Christian is someone who goes through a hard time or struggle, is open about what's going on and what they're feeling/thinking about it. Fake smiling hurts other people who are hurting, making them feel alone, and it hurts you.

I guess my point is, keep it real, yo :)