Mantra

So I have something I don't discuss with too many people. I had an eating disorder in college and disordered eating for a couple years after, and then started to relapse when God pointed out that I had a problem.

It was God that pointed it out, because a hallmark of being a little off mentally is that you don't know you even have a problem. It may be obvious to everyone else, others may point out to you that you seem a little off here, but until you have an ah-hah! moment, you either have no idea or think everyone's overreacting.

So my ah-hah! moment came when I was meeting with a book club. I got to the restaurant before everyone else, there was an accident behind me on the freeway. So I had like half an hour sitting outside the place waiting. And what was I doing? I was sitting there trying to figure out what I was going to say so that I wouldn't have to eat dinner.

I had a bunch of excuses and reasons, I was just trying to pick the best one. And then the thought popped up "That's messed up." Actually, the phrase was effed up, but whatevs.

And then I realized that I had eaten breakfast at most every day for the past two weeks. And that I had been going home for lunch so that co-workers wouldn't invite me to eat, and no one would know. And then I realized, hey, I might have a problem.

So that was like 2 years ago. No one tells you how boring and hard it is to get better. It's boring and hard. But it's worth it.

Last week I was running around town during the day, running errands, etc. I was going to have dinner with a friend around 7 that evening. And around 2 I got hungry for lunch. And then The Coach came back out of nowhere, telling me the lies he used to tell me all the time- there's no time for lunch, if you ignore the hunger it goes away, you're eating later today, save room for that food, etc., the whole spiel my disease perfected over time.

And I was starting to listen to the soothing patter. And then I thought "Don't be effed up! Eat!" So that's my new mantra. Simple, it works, and would look lovely on a t-shirt.

Someday I won't have a mouth like a sailor/construction worker/marine, and then I'll come up with lovely mantras that involve love and unicorns. Until then, I have to do what works.

Doing Pain Well

I have some Christian friends who are going through Some Stuff. Among them, I have a friend going through a divorce, one has become a caregiver for a parent, and many others going through huge, painful life changes.

Something that makes me sad is how many of them feel like they should be handling it better. Like if they were a better Christian, they wouldn't be down about the divorce/caregiving/life change. They would be completely patient, kind, buddha/zen, unruffled, fully at peace.

That is a complete load of crap.

We are told that when there are troubles, we will be comforted, and we will not be alone. The Bible doesn't say that we are above emotion, or sadness, or anger. Someday we will be, but not in this life. Our overall demeanor is hopefully one of peace, but that doesn't mean we're peaceful as Christians all the time.

Anyway, what I tell people is this: It's ok to be sad, upset, angry (see Psalms, especially 22 and 119). Don't let it run your life. I would be freaked out if you went through a divorce and it wasn't bothering you. Some life events are painful, and to try to grit your teeth and smile your way through them is a lie, and I firmly believe it can kill you.

A quote I read somewhere says "And living as though unscathed is exhausting, like a play that never ends." It's ok to be affected by what's going on in your life. Keep your relationship with God as a top priority, ask for help when you think you don't need it, and let those around you help share your burden.

To me, an authentic Christian is someone who goes through a hard time or struggle, is open about what's going on and what they're feeling/thinking about it. Fake smiling hurts other people who are hurting, making them feel alone, and it hurts you.

I guess my point is, keep it real, yo :)

Patriotism

So I've been gone a bit, sorry. Got busy. You know how it goes. I've started this entry probably four times now, we'll see if this one takes.

Over the 4th of July I had a wonderful time visiting my folks and then seeing my grandparents. Not wonderful: answering questions about a job I used to have :)

Anyway. My Granddaddy started writing his memoirs a couple of years ago, really it's his war experience he wrote about, nothing else. So over the weekend, my mom and I were typing the story up into a Word document and I'm editing it for self-publishing on Blurb.com

If you ever want to contemplate war, and country, spend part of your 4th of July typing the combat memories of a loved one. Granddaddy was a Medic Corpsmen attached to the Marines and was in the Battle of Okinawa. That's WWII, Pacific Theater, a 100 day long battle of hand-to-hand combat and part of what convinced Truman to drop the atomic bomb.

We typed about 40 pages of absolutely amazing, heart-breaking stories. Granddaddy's friends dying around him (literally half of the 255 men he started out with did not survive the battle), the things that happened that were funny and random, the friends he could save, compassion for the island they destroyed and its inhabitants, and the overwhelming, grinding life-and-death struggle that was going on at all times.

There are three things that he wrote that stay with me always:

When he got out of combat, he found out his nickname was Smiley. In some of the most extreme circumstances imaginable, he was known for his good attitude.

Something he obviously looks forward to is seeing his old combat buddies in heaven. "I expect to see them and hear a greeting of “Hey Doc, all have been waiting for you.” " That just makes me cry.

"I would not take a million dollars for the memories or ten cents to have to repeat them.....These events prepared you to face civilian life eagerly. Nothing could be as difficult as war."

Love you Granddaddy. Thanks for what you did, no one will ever be able to thank you enough.

I'm Home!

Out of town for the weekend, will be back next weekish. Beceause there's so many people reading right now, I need to update people ;)

Anyway, trying to decide if I'm telling the grandparents about the vacation/funemployment time. Don't want them to worry.

Craft Time!

It's craft time here at Casa de Feisty! I have several good friends who are on "vacation" like me, and somewhere I heard a fantastic term for this state of being.

We decided we all needed t-shirts of it. My friends and I joked about it. Can you read the stencil? No cheating and looking further down.

I got a t-shirt at Forever 21 yesterday and hunted down the proper supplies. Based on how much my hands hurt from cutting out the stencil, this might be a one time thing only.



Is that not a perfect term? I love my new t-shirt.



I'm wearing it to a free outdoor movie tonight. Be jealous. (I might make the back say Be Jealous, haven't decided yet)

Press Release: I'm Ok

So I'm putting this here instead of Facebook. Last year I dated a guy from church for about 5-6 months. It was the first time either one of us had dated as a Christian serious about Christian boundaries.

It was the first dating relationship I had been in in 3 years, first for him in about 2 years. Y'all, I had been TERRIBLE at dating and picking guys before that, so I just quit.

Anyway. We broke up, basically because he had decided he didn't want to marry me. I was still trying to decide if I would want to marry him. BTW, he was 30, I was 27.

On Sunday, my now 31 year old ex and his 21 year old girlfriend announced their engagement. They have been dating about 4 months.

I have been getting calls, texts, emails, in person questions. How am I doing?

The answer : I'm ok. Can't lie, it stings a little to know that a year ago, he and I were dating. But when he and this girl, who is also from church, started dating, I had a feeling they would work out. And knowing him, I'm not too shocked that he did this. I honestly think they're good together.

So, surprised, yes. Surprising, not really. Is it ok if I think it's a little funny though? Just a little :) Anyway, I'm trying to figure out a way to convey this post to people in a way that accurately conveys my feelings of "Meh, it's alright."

35 Years!

My parents have been married for 35 years today.

Here's the wonderful couple on my front porch this past Christmas.

Thanks for being such awesome parents and examples of being married. Love you both more than you can know :)